what hurts the most -rascal flatts-

I can take the rain off the roof of this empty house

that don't bother me

I can take a few tears now then and just let them out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while 

even though going on with you gone still upsets me

there are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok

but that's not what gets me

what hurts the most was being so close 

and having so much to say 

and watching you walk away

and never knowing what could've been

and not seeing that I'm loving you is what I was trying to do

it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

but I'm doing it

It's hard to force that smile when I see your old friends and I'm alone

Still harder getting up, getting dress

living with this regret but I know if I could do it over 

I would  trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

what hurts the most was being so close 

and having so much to say 

and watching you walk away

and never knowing what could've been

and not seeing that I'm loving you is what I was trying to do

**currently listening to this songs..it was so close to me personally..enjoy..**

hari ini dalam sejarah..

"selama ni sy pny tanggapan yg baik kt zana..tp lepas ni sy xtau la..xsngka rupanya korg mengumpat sy mcm ni.."..hmm..smlm was a disaster..for the first time in my life, I've been face with harsh situation..al kisahnya mmg kami kt ofis ni have been skype to chat with one another..its works actually..i am personally sharing part of my story with my frens and so do her..same to the other ofismate..mmg ktorg cite2, nk luah perasaan, discuss2, pndek kata sume thru skype lah..its easy, xpyh melepak2 tmpt org lm2 smp x wt kije..

nk dijadikan cerita, smlm cik bagus2 ni pergi tmpt shbt sy tuk amik softcopy apa tah..but at that time she was not there..then disbbkan desperate, cik bagus2 ni trus bkak pc shbt sy..menurut cerita dia, dia trnmpak lah skype shbt sy ni..then dia print that part yg ada ktorg ckp psl dia..then immediately she come to my room..

cik bagus: zana, sy nk tny, anna maria ni zana ke?

me: a'ah..napa? (thought she ask me how to install skype)

cik bagus: sy nk ckp ni, zana ada ckp psl sy kn dlm skype korg ni..sy nk ckp psl jwtnkuasa ni..bkn sy nk ambik org yg sy suka je..nama yg ada dgn sy ms tu sume ajk teknikal..apa kaitan dorg dgn pameran? jd sy cume refer pd ajk sblm ni, yg mmg ada nama sy, k.wati n hanif..bkn sy nk masukkan org yg sy suke..

me: xde nu***,mcm ni..yg psl ajk tu, dh maklum dh pn..sume tu atas nama je..ms pameran tu sume dh kt sana kn..sume org tlg..

cik bagus: sy x sngka la kn..bla bla (she is talking about her partner, telling she was being trapped by her, mentioned about the point i've write about x professional, sng slh phm..)

me: nu***, dgr sy nk ckp ni..ms tu ktorg tgh stress..so kita cite dgn kwn kita..mcm nu*** jgk kn..nu*** cite dgn kwn nu*** kn..mcm tu jgk ktorg..tp bezanya ktorg cite thru skype..apa yg sy ckp tu personal view sy..hak sy nk cite antara sy dgn kwn2 sy..ok..kalo btl nk make it clear, sy pggil k.nana..sbb nama dia pn ada skali..bia settle trus.

cik bagus trus nk kua bilik bila sy call k.nana mtk dtg bilik sy..bila k.nana dtg, dia ckp mtk maaf dgn k.nana sbb slama ni dia luah perasaan dlm LRT, tp xsngka k.nana pn ada umpat dia..

komen sy: sy sgt bengang sbb dia xbg sy pluang nk explain kt dia..each time sy ckp, dia potong, n bila part dia dh abis, dia trus nk kua..sekurang-kurangnya dgr penjelasan sy..at least sy lega dpt clearified, xkisahla apa pndangan dia trhadap sy afterwards..apa yg sy kata dlm tu is just pndangan sy, n sy ckp kt kwn2 sy SAHAJA..so its between me n my fren..tu hak kami nk bercerita..and yg nyata, dia juga salah sbb menceroboh skype org lain..apa hak dia nk bc apa kami bincangkan?and paling menarik, chatting tu adalah pd hari semalam nya meaning that dia kena klik words 'yesterday' utk tau apa yg kami chattingkan..baru perbualan tu keluar..mmg dia sengaja nk baca..is that a good attitude?ceroboh hak org sesuka hati..apa hak dia?right after she out of my room, she did post somethng in her facebook..it's something like this..

 "rupanya musuh adalah org yg paling dekat dan tempat meluah perasaan...sungguhlah terlampau...tq skype....perbualan terlampau..."

hmm..speechless..smp pkataan musuh pulak yg keluar..hello miss, i never wanted to be your enemy..it's not me yg nk brterusan msm2 muka..nk gaduh2 ke apa..mmg mood sgt xstabil smlm..mlm td, i'm thinking..event dh esok..xkn nk mcm ni..tau je la dia tu mcm mana..then i did sms her..saying that i'm really sorry..ikhlas nk mntk maaf sbb kita akan kerja sm2 tuk byk prog lg..n she did reply my sms..tp ayat yg dlm kategori bodoh jgk la..but i replied back saying that i'm truly wanna say sorry..xnk smp musuh2 or msm2 muka..saying that i'm hoping dpt brsahabat mcm biasa..then this morning..action dia wt sy sgt sakit n now sy terasa spt membodohkan diri sndri htr sms kt dia..entahla..napa boleh wujud pulak spesis org mcm ni kt muka bumi ni..kn elok dok diam2 kt marikh tu ke..pluto ke..xde la jd barah dlm opis ni..makin lama makin merebak..niat ht ni ikhlas nk mtk maaf..sggup rendahkan ego yg sgt3 tggi ni nk mtk maaf..tp mcm tu pulak dia buat..sakit dia, dia nk org phm, tp sakit sy dgn kwn2, nk letak mana?tabahkan la hati ni Ya Allah..trus trg, rs x de ht pn nk wt event esok..semoga ada hikmah tuk semua ni..xnk jd hari ini dlm sejarah lg..sgt2 serik..

saya musti menulis..

just few days ago i decided not write in the blog ever again..i am so scared i might hurt other people again..dlm ms tu inside here is kind of memberontak..i have to express what is inside..tend to do menda2 yg agak bodoh, so i know that i have to write..jd..mengertilah..this is my life..i love to express my feelings this way..so..kalau btl syg, sygilah juga minat sy..

hmm..take a deep breath zana..today is already friday..pejam celik dh abis seminggu..rs mcm br dgr brita mak ngah meninggal, then bergegas balik kpg mlm tu juge, then pg2 ziarah arwah, ptg tu berkejar masuk ofis balik..rupenye it was on monday n tuesday..al-fatihah utk arwah..semoga ditempatkan di kalangan org2 yg beriman..sedih saat tgk anak2 kucup arwah wt kali terahir sblm di kafankan..menitis airmata ni..lepas ni dh xdpt rs rendang kerang mak ngah lg ='(  itulah..ajal maut sume dh ditetapkan..dh smp ms, tetap kena pergi..hmm..xtau pulak bila ms sy dijemput nanti..dimana..bagaimana..dgn sapa..wallahualam..

this week quite a busy week..x saba pulak bila international division ni nk pndah TH perdana ni..cepatlah sket..x sggup nagadap keje bos yg byk tu..but on other part sedey juge sbb officer n staf lain di tarik juge..hmm..xdptlah jmp cik bebola yg comel lg pasni, daddy dia kena tarik jugak..hurm..tensen jugak bila bekerja dgn org2 x professional ni..psl jawatankuasa pn nk jd isu..mmg gila bila ada yg brani wt keje2 brani mati ni..boleh pulak tgh2 sibuk nk wt event, sempat lg wt surat layang bagai..mcm2..wt bos pening kpl je..please work professionally lah..n pray Allah make it easy..

looking at the clock, counting bila ms nk balik umah ni..hmm..planning to balik kpg mlm ni..mcm biasa..x betah (1st time guna this word) dok umah sewa ujung2 mggu..wt sakit jiwa dgn perkara di rumah..that part adalah satu lg perkara gila..thats why i have to write here..kalo x, i'll be insane like them..nk membebel dh xdpt, menulis je la yg mampu..hmm..sudah merindui adlea amni..she's already 1 year n she is sooooo adorable..suka melayan kerenah dia..n not to forget sarah khalesa yg comel..rs lupe luka yg di dalam..love you kids...for make me laugh at least..hmm..susah lah bila kita perlukan sbb atau alasan tuk wt sesuatu..kn lg sng kalau boleh buat sesuka ht tnpa perlukan alasan...(long breath n thinking the truth of this word..and it's true!)

jd..sy dh ada sbb knp sy musti menulis..sbb sy sukakannya..sbb ini jiwa sy..sbb ini curahan hati sy..sbb ini buat sy gembira..sbb ini wt sy tenang..sbb sy nk pembacanya tahu what's inside here..jd sy tahu sy musti menulis! 

no more

i love to write..and i do hope people that i love mampu phm minat ni..dr dulu sy sgt suke ekspresikan perasaan dgn menulis..suka..duka..pahit..manis..it's everything in there..

i'm scared of hurting people anymore..cukuplah..kalau kesukaan ni menjadi kelukaan tuk org lain, then I should stop..then officially i'll stop writing on this blog..as long as those people won't hurt anymore, then i'll sacrifice my interest..i have Allah to tell and express everything inside my heart..tabahlah wahai hati..be strong..

lots of love,

Noor Sahzana Ahmad

belovedzana.blogspot.com 

MonDay Is Just Not my day..

today is monday? hurm..patut la smp skrg x jmp mood keje lg..mau smp ptg x jmp ni..sorry to monday..ur day is not my day..perasaan malas nk keje, xde mood..sume nye lah..sguh x baik ada perasaan mcm ni..supposedly nk kerja ni niat bia nk cari rezeki yg halal kerana Allah Ta'ala..baru lah berkat gaji yg masuk tiap2 bln..hu..sindir diri sndri jugak..pedih2..hari ni, 18 Oktober 2010..mcm biasa..masuk opis diujung2 waktu..then ada yg congratulate us sbb dpt smbung kontrak lg setahun..alhamdulillah..unsangkadable (penggunaan nahu yg slh ok) btl...menjerit mereka2 yg ada di opis ms dgr pembentangan bajet 2011 jumaat lepas..at least ada jugak perkara yg wt sy tersenyum di kala segala kepahitan yg berlaku..thank you Allah..

masuk je bilik, perasaan x best dh melanda diri..looking at tons of my work atas meja, makes me wanna run as far as i can..so many things to do..yg x bestnye keje yg bercampur aduk..keje UNESCO ada, ASEAN ada, part media ada, jd translator pn ada..mcm2 ada lah..smp naik pening jugak kdg2 because i work with 3 boss..bercampur aduk..smbil menaip di blog ni smbil mentranslate draf ucapan menteri sempena our next prog end of this month..thanks to google translate that makes my job easier! sng je rasanyer nk translate from malay to english..yeay!!..

disebabkan xde mood, maka perasaan mls nk breakfast juge melanda diri..actually dh beberapa menjak ni x selera nk breakfast apatah lg lunch..cume tyme dinner br terasa lapaq..dulu ada jgk yg mengerah, skrg jd mls lah since no more that kerahan words..trust me, it works..mmg btl gi lunch..wuwuwu..

okay it's look like i have to proceed with my work..ada lg pulak tu additional work..haiyyaaa...i hate monday..u just not my day darling..

kerja oh kerja..

hmm..now i do believe that jobless can make people depress! btl..each time i am thinking about my contract here will be ended this coming december, i started to feel down..mmg slalu lah..mmg btl, mgkin blm rezki lg..kalo kontrak sy kt sini di sambung lg kn best..but it seems like no opportunity at all..dh sedia mklum pn..knowing this fact, i look around for a new job..dulu ada apply DPLI, after interview, blm rezki lg..quite dissapointed la jgk..

so right now, still on searching n applying for a job..rajinla jgk bukak website2 yg berkenaan tuk cr kerja..xtau lah..i am trying, mudah-mudahan ada lah rezeki..if it is written that after the contract ended, and i didn't get any job, i pray to Allah not to make me in jobless period for a long time..i wanted to give money to my parents every month..i HAVE to..murah lah rezeki ku ya Allah..aminn..

actually, i got few probs when i am applying for a job..mahu tahu apakah jenis mslh tu?sy sgt rajin cr kije, sgt rajin print out the ads, the form..sgt teruja mengisi form tu (sggup print dua copy, then isi pkai pensel n finally br isi btl2 dlm form 1 lg..smp kena tgur confident lah sket..huu)..but the probs is..sy sgt mls nk htr form tu..almost every time mcm tu lah..hmm..pastu x htr..and finally, down sbb x dpt keje lg..itulah seorg saya..huu..that is why i need a motivation..suruh sy apply, isi, n htr..tringat satu ayat 'pas **** abis ****** ni, kita gi cari kerja sama2 ye..' sgguh it was able to calm me down..terasa sgt secure..sgt lega..hurm

so all i have to do now is keep trying..never give up zana..find ur strength..be motivated..u have to be independent now..thats ok..rezeki Allah ada di mana2..as long as it is halal, then just try..gambate kudasai!! right now, i missed that calming words..........

Food & Diet..

Couple of hours ago (sblm diserang oleh period pain yg semakin meggila ni), i just read a blog about how to achieve ur ideal weight n have a healthy lifestyle WITHOUT skipping ur blueberry cheesecake! sounds interesting kn..hee..actually i also got a problem with my eating habbit..pantang terasa mkn byk sket, mula la nk muntahkan balik kn..tp rs bdn tembam juge..sometimes we are really obses tgk org kurus & get influenced tgk org lain kurus kn..mgkin kita x sedar yg sume ni juge agenda pihak2 tertentu..so they set our mind that all women should look skinny..just look the fashion industry..how they are able to influence people that kurus itu cantik..they design the cloth that make women think they are getting fat! hmm..tepuk dada tny selera..stay healthy n amalkan cara hidup yg sihat is better kot..x perlu smp nk menyeksa diri sekat kemahuan diri nk mkn itu ini..below are some info's that i got from the blog..

Myth: I shouldn't eat any fat.

Fact: Fat serves many important functions, such as storing energy, transporting certain vitamins and providing flavor and texture to foods. When it comes to weight loss, calories are the bottom line. Reduced-fat foods often have reduced calories compared to their full-fat counterparts. But, be sure to check the label, as some reduced-fat or fat-free foods have added sugar to maintain their flavor, which increases the calories. When it comes to health, moderate fat intake (20-35% of your calories) is recommended, mostly from unsaturated sources.

Myth: Certain foods can help burn fat.

Fact: There are no foods with magic fat-burning ingredients. Some foods with caffeine temporarily speed up your metabolism, but probably not enough to lead to weight loss.

Myth: Cutting out starches is the best way to lose weight.

Fact: A very low carbohydrate menu is not a healthy way to lose weight! It may stress your kidneys and cause headaches, dehydration and bad breath. It can also make you feel tired, weak, dizzy and nauseated. Although initial weight loss may be rapid, studies show that loss is mostly water and, over time, the total weight lost is no greater than with a more moderate plan. It is also difficult to follow such a restrictive diet over the long-term. Bread, rice, potatoes, pasta, beans and other starches are not only rich in carbohydrates, they also provide fiber, vitamins and minerals. Eliminating these foods may reduce nutrients that are important to prevent osteoporosis, heart disease and certain cancers. By following a nutrient-balanced menu like Jenny Craig's, you may both lose weight and reduce disease risk.

Myth: Eating after 8:00 p.m. leads to weight gain.

Fact: Your body burns food the same way no matter what time it is. What matters is: what you eat, how much you eat and how active you are. No matter when you eat, excess calories will be stored as fat. If you are eating high calorie/high fat foods while watching late night television, you may gain weight because of your food choices, not due to the time of day. Also, snacking while doing other things like watching television can easily lead to overeating, because distractions may cause you to lose track of how much you are eating.

Myth: I can only lose weight if I eat less than 1000 calories per day.

Fact: Consuming too few calories can send your body into "starvation mode." Your metabolism slows down, putting your body into a state of survival in which it conserves more of the calories you eat, making it more difficult for you to lose weight.

setuju? as long as it healthy why not we follow rite?hee..selamat menjalani kehidupan yg sihat..kerana tubuh yg sihat buat kita lg kuat beribadah pd Allah!  L.O.L XOXO