naluriku..

Pernah ada 1 hari sy pergi ke pasar smbil mendukung sarah (my adorable niece)..then ada seorg makcik dtg tegur.."comelnyer..lentok kt mak dia..brapa bln ni?"..trus sy ckp "ni anak buah sy mkcik.." ms tu dlm rasa gembira mcm org puji anak sendiri..itu lah sy..sy sgt menyenangi perasaan menjadi seorg ibu..really i am..sy x suke nk admit to other people how much i really want to be a mother, cukup kalau hnya dia yg tau..kdg2 sy x phm napa perasaan ni terlalu kuat smp mcm2 assumption yg sy wat, smp pnah kna mrh sbb too excited to be a mother..

Pernah 1 masa sy bermimpi dikurnia seorg baby yg comel and menyusukan si kecil tu..tp indahnya sy betul2 dpt rasa perasaan menyusukan bayi sendiri..rasa seronok sgt..tp at the same time sy mempersoalkan napa naluri ibu ni terlalu kuat, sdgkan masa nya blum lg..smp 1 thp sy terpikir adakah sy x berkesempatan menjadi seorg ibu kelak sbb tu Allah kurniakan naluri tu pd sy sekarang?..hmm..(bergenang airmata)

Pernah 1 ketika sy sgt terasa apabila ada yg kata sy seorg yg kasar apatah lg to handle a baby..they don't know how much i want to be a mother..they don't know the fact that sy pernah tido2 ayam wktu mlm for a week sbb look after sarah yg kerap jg mlm and cying..they don't know alif pnah bgn tgh mlm cari & peluk sy erat2 sbb ingat sy adalah mama dia when their parents fly to bali..they don't know sy babysitt sarah ms umur dia 8 bulan, alone in shah alam..they don't how upset i am ms x dpt jg amni baru2 ni..really it hurt me..they just don't know...

Pernah sy merasa sgt marah melihat ibu bapa yg mengabaikan ank2 & put their child in danger..let their children go out alone 4 the whole day without knowing where their children go..knapa mesti sia2kan anugerah Allah mcm tu?it's hurt seeing babies are killed because of their damn parents, specially dr hasil yg x halal..apalah dosa si kecil itu...

sy yakin naluri yg Allah dtgkan tuk sy skrg adalah peringatan tuk sy spy menghargai anugerah Allah dan tanda cinta sy seelok2 nya..Syukran Ya Allah!

hati ini..

i'm back..rasa exhausted sbb baru abis conference..almost 1 week kt PD..but still having fun there..bersyukur rasanyer dpt ofismate yg best2..alhamdulillah..apart from that..things are as usual..cuma kdg2 sukar tuk memahami diri sendiri..smp 1 thp i do feel that i am too complicated to handle! kasihan dgn org2 yg berada di sekililing sy..

actually ssh jgk bila terpaksa berperang dgn suasana ni..means that i have to accept anything that happen eventhough i knew i can't do it..knp mesti kehendak hati kita selalu bertentangan dgn hakikat sebenar? to be rational, I knew that Allah know the best, more than we know..perhaps things that we desired too much is actually bad for us..sy terima kenyataan ni..

sy membuat observation..its true that bila kita nk kan sesuatu, kita sggup buat apa saje, kita jnji dgn diri sendiri yg kita x kan sia2 kan kehendak kita tu, but once u got it, things change..lama kelamaan...kita mula x hargai..walaupun kita cube nafikan, tp kebenaran won't lie.. & never lie..mgkin juga bagaimana cara kita mendapat kan perkara yg kita desired for tu sdikit sbyk mempengaruhi..to put in simple word, semakin susah kita nk mendapatkan sesuatu, semakin kita menghargainya & vice versa..

sy xtau smp bila perasaan ni akan jd mcm ni, sdgkan masa makin dekat..sy tkt x mampu lepaskan sgala kenangan yg ada..sy tkt sy buat sesuatu yg wat sy menyesal di kemudian hari..n sy sentiasa dlm ketakutan skrg..anything can happen..cuma masa & takdir yg akan tentukan apa yg akan jd pd sy kelak...